I got my answer from Judit, and it was a confused irrational one. Irrational answers are just as good as rational ones sometimes. I am re-evaluating whether I want to go to Hungary in the fall. I might just go for the Celta, and then go to Poland to work. I have this vision of myself being this free entity. Loving whom I chose to, and not getting tangled up in anything. I seem to have got myself tangled in something without even knowing it. Do I dare eat a peach? Do I risk the possibility of finding another four years of my life with another crazy European? But I liked those four years, I like that craziness. I am but a poor moth fluttering about, willingly diving head first into the flame. I don't think it's as bad as all that. It is a harpy song. Every one thinks the harpy is the symbol for men who harbour some fear of commitment. I'd venture to say that most men are afraid of commitment, because there was a time when they weren't afraid of it, and someone broke their heart because of that lack of fear. They were ardent lovers of everything about the harpy at one time, it's beautiful song, and even it's talons. Now it's just the song. I saw this movie yesterday about this mentally challenged man who goes on a date. I thought to myself. This is like one of my dates. I would say those things. Do you want to see my shower curtains? They have sail boats on them. Jen is organizing a clown workshop on the weekend. It should be fun.

I can say that right now, I'm a pretty confused young man. On the weekend, I met Jen, and she basically told me that she really liked me, but if I was attracted to her, she wouldn't like me as much. I mean, I just don't understand that. Why would you base your opinion of someone on wether they are attracted to you or not. I would be flattered if someone was attracted to me. I might not share the attraction, but I know people are attracted to other people. Then I answered this e-mail of Judit's yesterday. She had told me that she had shared her picture of me, with a friend of hers, and so I jokingly said that she could share the picture with all the beautiful women of Hungary. And she freaked out. Her 'illusions' of me, are broken. I'm not quite sure, what that means. We went through this big discussion about how it would be silly to try and put any expectations on each other, until we actually met each other. I don't know whether this means that she actually likes me in that way, or whether it was just in poor taste. I don't know. I don't think it was. It's like something Pili would have done, only we actually had a relationship. Should I be mad? I'm just uncomfortable because I don't know what she wants from me, or expects from me. It's pretty bizarre. I'm just going to ask her why it bothered her.

A relaxing sunday morning, and nearly the early afternoon. It's rather enjoyable to be here at the p.c. bong by myself, with just a few people around, listening to Nirvana. I used to really like Nirvana in my teenaged rebellious years. Now it's great just to hear music which is different than Hip hop crap. I mean, I don't think I disliked Hip Hop before I came here, but it's all they play when you go to bars here. That or korean pop, which is hip hop lite. I didn't go out last night. It was good. And Dan, and JP and Luke went to Pusan. I didn't go, because I'm meeting Jen tonight about the theatre thing. It should be nice and relaxing. That is, if I'm not nervous.
I have to call Jenny some time today. She's the beautiful Korean woman with whom I may have a date with next weekend. I'm really nervous. I don't understand myself sometimes. I can travel around the world, leave my family and friends, and not be too horribly upset by that, but when I have to talk to a beautiful woman I feel like I'm going to die. Maybe not die, but be forced to endure something unpleasant. Which is not true, because usually I enjoy myself alright. So I'll do that. I also have to go grocery shopping sometime today. I want to buy a watch, because the band that Josh gave me came apart and then I accidently put the rest of the watch in the wash and it fell apart. Of course, it was Pili's watch, so maybe I did it subconciously. I'm losing, throwing out, accidently destroying every thing that she gave me. I did appreciate all of those things at the time, but now they are quite unnecessary. I also want to buy a plant. So I can practise for when I do get my own garden, and because the apartment usually stinks of cigarettes (Dan smokes), so I think it may help. I'll let you know how the planning a date goes.

Soul

I never wanted to own your soul
like it was a piece of meat
or a bit of land wedged
in between the curves of the river.
I only wanted to grow up with you,
to change with you, as the seasons change
but you wanted to go off,
after each new thing
like a puppy chasing it's tail.
You made me promise
to never leave you
and I never did.
And now I will never believe
the best of words until
I see footsteps falling into line.

I've let most of my friends know of the existence of this blog. So, I guess I have an audience now for my ramblings. Comforting, and frightening. Comforting, because alot of different people have expressed concern over how I feel and such. But frightening, because I don't want to censor myself. But anyway, I started to write here to express this desire I've been feeling lately. I want to find a place, where I can pray and grow vegetables. And it should have a bell. I know that's strange. But I think a bell is a very spiritual thing. A call to prayer. I felt that way at Camp Towhee, although it was a very secular place, there's a very powerful spirit there. Like it exists to serve others. The bell is a call to prayer, a call to service. I just want to write about God, how to come to God, and put my writing into practice. But I'm scared. I'm scared to abandon this life, this working, this trying to claw out an existence, to save money, for what? I wonder how long it will take me to realize that this is probably my best course for my life. Probably another couple of years of wondering like a nomad.
In other news, Judit seems to reciprocate my interest, but hasn't promised anything, which is good. Cheryl wrote to me. I've left so many friends abandoned on the side of the road. A horrible trait, I know. I have a date, I think. I think, because she is this beautiful Korean woman, who doesn't speak much English. I have to call her and figure out wether she understood me or not. It's friday, and that means I must go out drinking. I need to relax is my meaning. Let you know how it goes.

I had a dream today. It was about Nikki. I guess my subconcious is working overtime. I was at a summer camp or something, and I knew she was going to be there. I wanted to ask her advice about the Pili situation, but she thought I wanted to get back together with her. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was impossible, but she really missed having me in her life. Yeah, I miss her too. I made this mistake a few years ago, and lost a really good friend. I don't want to lose Pili as a friend, but I never wanted to be just her friend, you know? It's going to take a really long time to adjust to that loss. I feel like an orphan. I feel like I lost someone I could talk about absolutely anything, no matter how banal it was, and she would care about it. Of course, maybe I'm idealizing it, now that it's gone. I'm starting to write to Korean women, in the hopes of meeting them someday, and maybe having a relationship. Dan and I went out for Korean barbeque last night. It was fun. I feel a depression coming on. Why do I end up antigonizing everyone I know?

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. I just got finished cleaning up my e-mail from the past six months. I got rid of all of Pili's e-mails. There's something liberating about getting rid of that junk. The junk you keep holds onto you. I'm not going to forget her, but she has no claims on my life anymore. I think Judit and I are getting more and more close. I think she's a really special person and it's going to be great to meet her, even if we never become anything more than friends. It's good to have a friend like that. I need that right now, I think, a supportive female friend. Kasia, though I love her dearly, can't do it. She's too honest. I said, I don't understand how Pili can say that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, and then leave me. She said, well, maybe she thinks she can do better than you. You supposed to say, in regards to the fragile ego, that of course, there's no way she'll ever find a better person. Of course, that's a good trait. A strong character that will always tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable.
So my weekend has been crazy. I went out on Friday night and Saturday night. It was crazy. On friday I met this little guy who wanted me to listen to the story of his life. It was pretty funny actually because he said that he was nothing back home, but here he was a greek god with the women. I was thinking which one, Hestaphatus? That's the shriveled up ugly one, god of forges. Then on Saturday night, I was dancing at this bar with Dan, JP, Luke, and these phillipino girls. One was really hot, and drunk, and JP, was really drunk too. And he passed out in the bathroom, and eventually had to be dragged into a cab. I was dancing with these other phillipino girls, but they left as soon as I was starting to have fun. They left, and then I just was talking with Luke, who's a new teacher from New Zealand. I think we'll be very close, just because Dan and JP are very similiar, party animal types, and he's more of a thinker, like me. I'm glad, because I was feeling a little starved for intellectual companionship. Anyway, I've been here far too long, I've got to go get some groceries.

I'm sipping that classic beverage of the far east, Pocari Sweat. And yes, it does, indeed taste remarkably like human sweat. I've been a bit depressed all day. Because the last couple of months I had been thinking that maybe having a relationship with Pili wasn't in my best interests, but I never thought about what I would do instead. It's one of those ironies of life that now I have to think about it. That thought terrifies me. At least with Pili I had some kind of frame work to my life. But now that's gone, and I have to define myself according to my own terms. Of course, I've always had problems defining myself. Am I poet? Playwright? I've always worried about my legacy. Now, I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter if nothing outlives me, if I just exist here and now. The reason being that people reading my work after I die isn't going to have any affect on me now, or in the afterlife. So I'm here to sort out of these options. I know I don't have to make any decisions, right now, but it will make me feel better.
The first thing is my current plan, to go home in September and take the CELTA course, and go teach somewhere in Europe, in Hungary, so I could meet Judit, or in Poland, so I could be close to Kasia. But of course, one is a glimmer of a faint hope, and the other is a masochistic fantasy. But it could be fun to go to Hungary. Although Judit appears to interested in this greek guy. I'm sure she has hot friends. Yep, friends who were thick wool sweaters in summer. And if that didn't work out, or even if it did, to return home after a year, and then go to South America, then Africa, then North America, doing the same job. I'd like to do the pilgrimage to Santiago from Lithuania. I know that's crazy, but it feels really right. It's a challenge because Pili told me once that's impossible. It would be good to prove her wrong. But then, I want a family, and to get married, and all that stuff. Going back to Highgate, actually crossed my mind. But that's crazy. Maybe to retire. And I'm sure it would be kind of cool to have a nomadic family. But to find the right kind of person for that would be hard. And then, the thought of becoming a Priest, specifically a Jesuit, crossed my mind again. My spirituality here is pretty dry, though. I don't think I have the faith right now to make that kind of decision. And I think that I would have to wait another year, anyway. I wonder if I will ever be important to anyone ever again. I kind of want that, but I want to learn to be important to myself. That's the hardest thing. I've realized that I rarely smile. I'm not a happy person. I want to be a happy person. I need to learn how to be a happy person. I need to learn to appreciate all of the good things that happen to me.

I got this message from Pili explaining how she really feels about me, and why she dumped me. I exploded. I replied with an honest missive, telling her in no uncertain terms that she has always been clueless and that she's a monumental fuck up. It felt good, but then I felt guilty. I can understand how Nikki felt all those years ago, when she was very upset. She still doesn't talk to me. Should I do that to Pili? No, I don't want revenge that badly. I want to be her friend, but not right now. I asked Jen out. She hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm going to call her tonight to figure out whether she wants that, wants to fuck off what-not. I don't want to stay here all afternoon, so I'm leaving now.

Snow in Dal-Dong-Ju-Gong

there's a blanket of snow
that covers the dirty city streets
like a shroud of joy
like something clean
and the good people of Ulsan
gawk at it, prod it
throw it up into the air
and see it as an immense obstacle
that bars their progress, but with
tiny joyful smiles on their faces.

I have a headache. My ache is probably the result of spending alot of time in a bar last night talking to a very intelligent woman, attractive woman. I didn't meet her in the bar, good god. I met her because she wants to do some theatre with me. But it was good because we talked for a very long time, about different things. It was the first serious conversation I've had in a really long time. Since I've been here, anyway. Probably overwhelmed her a bit. I think she was digging me, though. She laughed at some of my jokes. She has a good sense of humour. I think she's very attractive. Not in a traditional way, though. She has very expressive eyes. I want to ask her out on a date, besides the theatre thing, but I don't know if that would be a good idea. I don't want to scare her away. But if I don't ask her soon, it will be very hard to ask her later, because then we'll be friends, and it will be forbodden.
So Judit's question came from the fact that every guy in the greater Hungarian area is trying to get into her pants, and she finds the idea a bit gross. Of just randomly sleeping with a guy. She needs love and all of that. Me, too. Me, too. So I hate being single. It's so confusing. I have no idea whether any of these people like me.

It has been a strange few hours since my last entry. I received an e-mail from Pili, telling me basically to fuck off, she's happy, she's wonderful, she's grand. Well, goody for her. I replied that she has no idea what she's giving up. If she did realize it, she would be a little more upset. Then she said she didn't necesarily always want what was best for her. I don't have to figure her out any more, thank God, and I can move on to trying to seduce smart, beautiful Hungarians.
Speaking of Judit, she replied to my e-mail, this long one offering various explanations for why Pili sent me that e-mail I was bitching about. She's very perceptive. Probably because she's a woman and knows how Pili feels about me, because she sort of feels the same about the Cyprus guy. Of course, he's a much less worthy specimen than I am, never having told Judit he loved her in six years. But then she asked me out of the blue my feelings on one night stands and affairs. I wonder what sparked that comment? Maybe her saying she was a good lover and me saying I was good in the sack too. Has the thought crossed her mind? She sent me her address so I'll send her a letter with my picture. Maybe I will head off to Hungary and find real love. But she doesn't want anything of the sort right now, which is understandable, given her situation.

The End


so this is it then-
the end
there's nothing left
for us to do but
crumble
like giant, marble pilars
roofless, that say
to the passing centuries
that one once upon a time
somebody thought this
place was special.

I never wanted
it to end
short of death
and maybe not
even then
But I am free now
to follow scents
in the wind.
Your pictures are gone
from the wall
and I notice the
empty spaces.

Well, I must say that right now I am thoroughly confused. My morning started out with two e-mails, one from Judit, and one from Kasia. Judit was telling me the story of her relationship with a guy from Cyprus. She has been living with him for six years, and now they have ended their relationship, but he still lives with her. They live as separately as possible, though, and he's supposed to be moving out in the spring. They broke up because of personality problems. He is very critical of her, and can only express his affection, by buying her things. She wouldn't have to worry about that with me. At least the buying things part. But I think of Pili and I. If it was some case of her not liking my personality, I would understand. I don't know what it was, although she has told me her words, I don't comprehend them. So, she's single. Judit I mean. It would probably be January before I made it to Hungary though, and that's an awfully long time. Anything could happen.
The other email I got was from Kasia. It was good to hear from her, but as ever, it was very enigmatic. She didn't understand why Pili dumped me, (join the club) and told me some problems she was having with Artur. Like he has this big debt (join the club), and he seems adrift. She wants her husband to be more financially stable. (She's already thinking about this? Yikes! I mean she just started going out with the guy a few months ago.) But then she told me that I could find work in Poland, in Lodz, and that I could be happy there. That's her way of saying I want you around, if you were around something could happen between us. Of course, she doesn't come out and say that, that's not her style.
So I am at this point awash in all of these different options, and then I'm just about to go to class when I'm handed this stack of mail. One's a bank notice, that they're going to close an account I haven't used in 7 years. One was from the Cathedral in Peterborough telling me what I needed to do to get the papers for my now non-existent wedding. The last one was from Pili, written before she broke up with me. It was written about two weeks ago. It was about alot of things, but what I don't understand is that she makes all these comments about how wonderful I am. Not the kind of thing you do before you break up with someone and break their heart. That hurt the most. That letter of praise. If she disliked me, or couldn't stand me or something, I could understand that. Even though I wasn't going to write to her for awhile, I typed out the bits where she was telling me I was wonderful, and just told her that I didn't understand how she could dump me, that she wasn't complicated, just silly, and that I really missed her, but I was very confused. Because I am very confused.
So that's been my day. I have to go e-mail Kasia and Judit.

The Burden of Rings

So I went this morning and threw the two rings that Pili gave me into the Taewa River. They made a big plop and disappeared from sight. I was counting on being able to at least watch them disappear from view and sink slowly to the bottom. But the Taewa is very dirty, a shit coloured river, so the second I threw them, I couldn't see them any more.
Pili and I first gave each other rings on our first aniversary, I think. They were both silver coloured celtic style rings. Mine was too large and I lost it. So Pili bought me another one. Then she lost hers, so I bought her another one, in the Eaton's centre in Toronto, I think. Then we decided to buy each other engagement rings. They weren't traditional engagement rings of the sort that have diamonds, or time limits. They were just representative of our desire to marry, eventually.
I didn't want to keep them, because they were powerful symbols for me.
I am reading Lord of the Rings, and I have been thinking alot about the power that we invest certain jewelry with. The one ring is very bad because the guy who made it is very bad. In the same way, it's like all of my hopes and dreams with Pili and about Pili were tied up in those rings. To be free from the burden of those crushed hopes and dreams, I needed to get rid of the rings. It's a start anyway.
But even though the rings are gone now, I still feel them. If you accustom your muscles to a certain thing, like the wearing of a ring, and then you stop, your muscles will still remember. So like you can have a phantom limb, you can be wearing phantom rings. But this is supposed to go away after two or three months. I hope it's sooner, rather than later.

So it's official. I've been dumped. I miss her already. I know it's strange because I live in Korea and she lives in Ireland. But I've never felt that she was far away. We've always been good communicators, I guess. The thing I miss the most is just talking to her about my day. I guess I miss having an audience. Even if it's only one. I'm not going to talk to her for awhile though. It's just too hard. I imagine it's pretty rough for her too, but at least she's probably a bit relieved. She doesn't have to live up to my expectations any more. But the crazy part is, and I don't understand it right now, they were her expectations too, at least for a time. She wants to know how she can help me without hurting me. I don't see that it's possible right now.
I think Judit is not as excited to know me as I am to know her, but I don't know. It's still early. I think if our correspondance survives the next month it will survive for years. She's just one of those people that you connect with.
The federal government finally caught up with me, about my student loan. Or at least a collection agency did. The lady seemed to suggest that I would go to prison if I didn't pay. I'm not sure that's quite legal, but I don't relish the thought of going to debtor's prison, even if it is Romantic, in the Wordsworthian meaning of the term. Any seeing as I now have a stack of money without any clear purpose, I'll give it to them, or at least enough for them to get off of my back for a while.
Will I ever find anyone who can accept me for what I am, and what I need? It seems like a beautiful dream is over.

So Pili broke up with me. This is what I wrote to her, more or less. I also alluded to the fact that she was hanging around with her friend who knew as much about relationships as a horse's ass.

'Dear Pili,
I think that I knew you were going to come to this decision, but I was still dreading it. I have missed you alot in these past couple of days, and thinking about you, and I think I'm going to miss you alot more in the future. I don't think I want to talk to you on Wednesday though. If your reasons haven't changed, I don't want to hear them again. I don't see the point of talking if we both know what the outcome of this situation is going to be. That way, you won't have to worry about hurting me any more, and I won't have to go through an unpleasant situation.
I don't want you to come to Korea. It's not easy for me to turn off the lover's switch, and just be your friend. I do want to be your friend, but it's going to take alot of time. I'll make you this promise, I will definitely e-mail you again on Nov. 11th, if not before. I'll write you e-mails like I write to all of my friends, on how I'm doing here, but don't expect me to reply to you if you answer. And you can do the same, but don't expect me to reply. I hope you understand why I have to do this. I've written you a letter explaining how I feel. I hope it helps, but I don't think it will.
I'm going to take your pictures down off of my wall. I'm going to stop saying good night my love to you, which I have been saying every single day since I got here, and I am going to throw our rings, and your necklace into the Taewa river.
I'm going to ask you one last favour. Try to understand why this hurts so much. You have been talking about how complicated you are, and asking me to understand you. But I don't think you ever made much effort to understand me. So, without me in your life for a while, try to understand me. I'm not asking this for my sake, because it's irrelevant now if you ever understand me or not, at least to me, but so you won't make the same mistakes with other people, and you won't throw away the very good things that happen to you.
I don't want you to regret this decision. But in a way I do, because that means all of those wonderful words you told me before were true, and not lies, as they seem to be now.
I love you still with the powerful love I felt in the first few days we knew each other. And because you don't understand how that's different from the love you have for a cat, or a toy, I have to leave your life for awhile. Maybe when the pain isn't as great, I will return.
Adam.'

I think that it's a good thing though. No more waiting and emotional turmoil.




p.s. I hope your mother is o.k.

So, I'm tired, I have a headache, and I really have to pee. But something happened which I feel needs to be noted. There, I peed. I didn't have the concentration necessary to write this. Pili broke up with me. I'm not surprised or anything. Just a bit sad. I have to go home and take down our pictures from the wall. Remove reminders of her from my life. I'm surprised how calm I am by this all. Maybe I was expecting this for a long time. If it happened without any warning, I would have been worse, I think.
There are advantages to this of course. One of them is that I can now enjoy 6 months of comitment free life in Korea. I put a profile on one of those internet dating sites, and a really hot girl wrote to me. Of course I have to figure out how to send her an e-mail without paying a shit load of money. Of course, Judit remains most fine. I just don't want to scare her away by being too eager.
I think my plans are now to finish my contract in September and then return to Canada for a couple of months, for my mom's wedding and to take a training course so I can work where I want, and not just in Korea. So, I've been writing missives of the break up to all my friends, so I'm a bit tired. I'll write more later, or on Thursday.

I have just told Josh and my mom about the Pili situation. I'm a little nervous on both counts because Josh kind of freaked out the last time Pili and I had a fight and told me I should dump her. Maybe he was right, and I lacked the courage. But there was that convienent promise I made when I said that I would never leave her. 'Though your promise count for nothing, you must keep it nonetheless.' I'm nervous on account of my mom, just because she probably won't understand, or will freak out and cry and get in a huff and yet not offer any practical advice. I'm starting to think that it will be more difficult if Pili decides to stay with me. There's a lot of trust to repair, and I've been taken it as a forgone conclusion that she will go. So I will be really surprised. But I think it would make me happy, that she has decided that the life I wanted with her, that we wanted together has some worth.
And on the opposite side of the equation. Judit and I have been getting to know each other better. Nothing too serious, but I can see how that could develop into something more if the conditions are right, and we both want that. Of course, she lives in Hungary. Maybe I'll work in Hungary next year. She is very beautiful, and intelligent. The world continues to spin...

So, I'm here yet again. Talking to no one but myself. Or maybe someone who's really, really bored, or who has sociopathic tendencies. All in all, not a very delightful situation. But, of course, I like it or I wouldn't be back here, right? So Pili hasn't dumped me yet. She will probably do so. The thing I don't understand is how she doesn't realize that if she dumps me, and doesn't want to be with me as a lover I might not want to be her friend. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be her friend. She thinks she's so complicated because she has this expansive notion of friendship. She's not complicated at all. It's silly. It's just a way to demand love from other people in manageable quantities, and not be required to give anything in return. Me, I'm complicated. I just can't turn off a switch inside of my heart and stop being her lover. It's not that simple. I long to be with someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with one person, and have a family. Of course, I also desire people who are intelligent, and creative, and beautiful, and these people tend not to want to settle down.
But it's funny. Korean women seem to have the opposite problem. I was walking home from work with Jamie and she told me that some of our students were talking about us being boyfriend and girlfriend because we were leaving together. Ok, I said.
"What you wouldn't like that?"
"It's not that I wouldn't like that, you have a husband."
"That wouldn't be a problem."
She was joking of course, but it's obvious that she doesn't love her husband. It seems the Koreans rush into marriage without necessarily considering how they really feel about the person. They decide in five minutes. It took me three years to decide, and about a month to undecide.

Hi, this is my first entry. My name is Adam Tod Leverton. I am currently working as an English Teacher in Ulsan, South Korea. I've been here about six months, and I think that I've adjusted pretty well. I'm starting this blog, just because I've always thought my life could use an audience, even if it's only imaginary. The big thing going on in my life at the moment is that Pili, my girlfriend, is deciding whether she wants to be with me or not. She's currently living in Ireland, while I'm here. That's been pretty hard, but that's not the problem. The problem is that she's not sure she wants to be married to me, or even live with me. She says that it's hard for her to nourish a part of herself when we're together. I think that she could learn to nourish it, and be with me, but she doesn't seem to think that. I think we're at the point where, at least for me, we've got to be moving towards something. If were not, than it's better if we're not together. I won't like it, but I'll survive. So, she decides on Sunday whether to be with me or not. I'll let you know how that works out.