Thursday, February 26, 2004
I'm sipping that classic beverage of the far east, Pocari Sweat. And yes, it does, indeed taste remarkably like human sweat. I've been a bit depressed all day. Because the last couple of months I had been thinking that maybe having a relationship with Pili wasn't in my best interests, but I never thought about what I would do instead. It's one of those ironies of life that now I have to think about it. That thought terrifies me. At least with Pili I had some kind of frame work to my life. But now that's gone, and I have to define myself according to my own terms. Of course, I've always had problems defining myself. Am I poet? Playwright? I've always worried about my legacy. Now, I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter if nothing outlives me, if I just exist here and now. The reason being that people reading my work after I die isn't going to have any affect on me now, or in the afterlife. So I'm here to sort out of these options. I know I don't have to make any decisions, right now, but it will make me feel better.
The first thing is my current plan, to go home in September and take the CELTA course, and go teach somewhere in Europe, in Hungary, so I could meet Judit, or in Poland, so I could be close to Kasia. But of course, one is a glimmer of a faint hope, and the other is a masochistic fantasy. But it could be fun to go to Hungary. Although Judit appears to interested in this greek guy. I'm sure she has hot friends. Yep, friends who were thick wool sweaters in summer. And if that didn't work out, or even if it did, to return home after a year, and then go to South America, then Africa, then North America, doing the same job. I'd like to do the pilgrimage to Santiago from Lithuania. I know that's crazy, but it feels really right. It's a challenge because Pili told me once that's impossible. It would be good to prove her wrong. But then, I want a family, and to get married, and all that stuff. Going back to Highgate, actually crossed my mind. But that's crazy. Maybe to retire. And I'm sure it would be kind of cool to have a nomadic family. But to find the right kind of person for that would be hard. And then, the thought of becoming a Priest, specifically a Jesuit, crossed my mind again. My spirituality here is pretty dry, though. I don't think I have the faith right now to make that kind of decision. And I think that I would have to wait another year, anyway. I wonder if I will ever be important to anyone ever again. I kind of want that, but I want to learn to be important to myself. That's the hardest thing. I've realized that I rarely smile. I'm not a happy person. I want to be a happy person. I need to learn how to be a happy person. I need to learn to appreciate all of the good things that happen to me.
The first thing is my current plan, to go home in September and take the CELTA course, and go teach somewhere in Europe, in Hungary, so I could meet Judit, or in Poland, so I could be close to Kasia. But of course, one is a glimmer of a faint hope, and the other is a masochistic fantasy. But it could be fun to go to Hungary. Although Judit appears to interested in this greek guy. I'm sure she has hot friends. Yep, friends who were thick wool sweaters in summer. And if that didn't work out, or even if it did, to return home after a year, and then go to South America, then Africa, then North America, doing the same job. I'd like to do the pilgrimage to Santiago from Lithuania. I know that's crazy, but it feels really right. It's a challenge because Pili told me once that's impossible. It would be good to prove her wrong. But then, I want a family, and to get married, and all that stuff. Going back to Highgate, actually crossed my mind. But that's crazy. Maybe to retire. And I'm sure it would be kind of cool to have a nomadic family. But to find the right kind of person for that would be hard. And then, the thought of becoming a Priest, specifically a Jesuit, crossed my mind again. My spirituality here is pretty dry, though. I don't think I have the faith right now to make that kind of decision. And I think that I would have to wait another year, anyway. I wonder if I will ever be important to anyone ever again. I kind of want that, but I want to learn to be important to myself. That's the hardest thing. I've realized that I rarely smile. I'm not a happy person. I want to be a happy person. I need to learn how to be a happy person. I need to learn to appreciate all of the good things that happen to me.
