so late nite at the old pc bang yet again. im back on one of my life is meaningless stages. went out with rachelle and jen for a drink and talking. and talking and talking. i swear that rachelle could talk the ass off of a stone monkey. i just felt this wierd moment where jen said something and i felt some kind of spark, but i wasn't sure if i was making it up, and then we walked to this other bar, and i wanted to talk to her, because i really enjoy it, but she ended up talking to this other person, and i felt unloved and unwanted and all of that crap. by the way, im drunk and i have a cold. i wrote a rather biligerent e-mail to pili but luckily even wen wasted i hav sum common sens. im just a monkey chained to an organ grinder's lap, i'll dance for you, i'll dance for you, and you quietly clap. today at work, boss woman come up real big and say, 'yo, we losing students, dig, you fault, reflects on the teachers too.' Bitch. She don't ever say, hey you're doing a really good job, but you could work on this. Yeah, that was my whole immitation of other people's crappy blogs. At least mine's somewhat grammatical. Check you later sensei.

There's a Blue Rodeo song, it goes something like, 'it hasn't hit me yet.' It's hit me. Hard. I still love Pili. That's the worst thing, when a relationship ends but you still have powerful feelings for that person. I still think about the stupidest things, like listening to the quiet rain on the leaves in the morning as we slept at our Harvey street apartment. The saddest thing is I'm trying to get on with my life, but it still hurts. I don't think Pili is going through this. I don't know anything about her. I'm listening to the Ottawa Senator's game. That used to drive her crazy. It's strange how people can get irritated by things like that, the things that people care about and are interested in. I don't know. This has been the second night in a row that I've been obsessing about her, about the times we had together. I actually told her I loved her in my mind. The crazy thing is that I think my life, at least in Korea, is much better, than when I was going out with her, but I would be estatic if she would take me back. Sad, but true.

So last night Sumin and I went out to a Dvd bang. It's basically a room where you can watch dvd's. I picked the movie. I picked a movie called talk to her. It's a spanish movie, the last spanish movie I watched with pili. That was fun. Having to explain to someone who speaks very little english that my ex girlfriend was spanish and that I can speak spanish. i honestly didnt pick the movie conciously, im sure that it was unconcious. luckily, she fell asleep during the movie. we then went out for something to eat after the movie, it was nice. I really like her. I don't know what is going to happen or what i want to happen. i'm open to anything. ive got to go to the drama thing tonight i dont want to because jens not going to be there, and i think that i'll have most of the responsibility for leading the group. I don't want to lead the group. I just want to sit back and have fun. That's me, irresponsible me. Anyway, nothing much else to report, think i'm going to hang out with sumin for awhile until I've got to go to the meeting.

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. Everything is going o.k. I'm still pretty busy with work. I have ten classes in a row every friday. I'm pretty tired. Sumin and I seem to be exploring the possibilities. No spark yet. I'm attracted to her, but I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with her. I still miss Pil, I have good days and bad days. I feel that I am unable to communicate anything right now, I'm too tired. I'll write more tomorrow, probably.

So my week is only 1/3 done, but I want it to be the weekend, so I can see Sumin. My day was really good today, though. Jackie and Judy, two of my adult students took Dan and I to Gyeong-ju. There was a festival of traditional wines, and rice cakes. It was fun to get nearly drunk at ten in the morning. There was a guy there who does traditional calligraphy and paper making. I was really into it. Dan bought two fans for his grandparents and the gave gave him a painting he did right there for free. It was pretty cool to watch him do it. He said that he had appeared on CNN. I don't doubt it. His work was really good. Yeah, Jen and I talked for a bit after the meeting. It was good. I think I'm becoming her spiritual advisor. All of her conversations seem to end up that way. I don't mean them too, but they do. I mentioned this to her, and she told me that we never connect on any other level. Which somewhat disturbs me, because I have other levels, you know. I'm a pretty normal guy. But it's good that I can help her, in my small way. Sumin seems to be sending me good signals. My mom gave me this weird advice, 'have fun, don't take things too seriously.' It's funny, coming from my mom. She's always taking things too seriously. It's good advice though.

What a week. Met Sumin for lunch yesterday, and it was nice. Very relaxed. It was the first time both of us were relaxed. It felt good. We're going to spend the day together next week, so I'm going to at last put the record straight. Does she want to be friends, lovers, boyfriend/girlfriend? I hope it's more than friends. I worked my ass off all week. I'm very tired now, which is partly because of that, and partly because I went out with Dan, JP, Luke, Julie, and Catherine (two of my former adult students) I think that Julie and I could get close, but I'm going to wait to see how things turn out with Sumin. I have to do alot of student evaluations, and I don't really want to. I also have to meet the drama people to talk yet again, about what we want to do with the group. So yeah, I've got nothing to say, but it's o.k.

good morning good morning g-

My saturday was good. I went out with Sumin, got an e-mail from Judit, and met Jen for drinks and dancing. The dinner with Sumin was good, if a bit awkward. She had no self confidence at all, and it was hard work trying to encourage her. I think she might be worth it, though. She seems to have a sweetness, bubbling up that I like. I met Jen and her friend, Lucy. And spent one of the most relaxing times, I've had here in quite some time. We met at a bar and played some pool, then we went by the river and drank some more. Then we went to a night club where we drank more and danced even more. Jen and I danced. It was a joke, but I also liked it. I'm not sure if she did or not. She's so fragile and strong at the same time. It would be great if we could hit it off, but that probably won't happen. Then today we met and saw a bad korean movie together. I think Sumin is the desire for stability and comfort, and Jen is the desire for a life partner. Someone who can really understand me. We'll see what happens on both counts.

Realization

Everything you do is meaningless. Fundamentally most human activity is meaningless. Work, most work is meaningless. It doesn't matter to God whether the children I teach ever learn English. What matters is the state of their souls, and me, I have very little to do the state of their souls. My only responsibility in this life is the state of my soul. And how do I care for my soul, by loving other people, and loving God. The job, has nothing to do with that. The bills have nothing to do with that. The treats you buy yourself have nothing to do with it. The program on t.v. about transexuals have nothing to do with it. Most people who care to think about such things know about this, but the truth is, the meaningless of life as we live it extends much further. All of our plans are meaningless, because God is in control of our lives. He may decide that it's not in the cards for us to be loving fathers, or to have them, to have successful relationships, and live out our dreams. Where do dreams come from? The soul, or conditioning? I suspect our detachment from our soul is much more pronounced than I fear. Maybe no one on earth is in touch with their soul. If they were, would they weep? Would they abandon all of this, and go and live in the wilderness eating locusts and honey? Would they laugh, because of the big joke of the world?
You may be thinking that the meaninglessness of most life is a bad thing. I don't think so. I think it's a very liberating thing. If you realize the meaninglessness, you can focus on what is important, human relationships, and your relationship with God. So with your hands be as one who prepares for winter with large stores of grain, but with your heart and mind be as one constantly dancing, because the winter may never come.