Judit kind of freaked out because I sent her a chain e-mail, and didn't reply to her picture. I do have an excuse though, aparently the Korean mandu (a korean food, one of my stapples here) supply is contaminated and causes diarhea. I was struck with bouts of diarhea all last week and I couldn't figure it out. Now I know why. I also heard some happy news from Sumin, that they found a dead body in my neighbourhood. Apparently she had gone to the night club where Sumin works and was dancing, and then walked home, and some guy followed her, raped her and dumped her body. Doesn't make me feel very safe. Not because I'm at risk of being raped, but the general climate doesn't seem to be the safest. Lots of drunk people walking around. You think because a place has McDonald's it's exactly the same as everywhere else, but that's not true. Korea is a very unsafe place, to eat, to be a woman.

So Judit sent me a another picture through the e-mail. She is very hot, but I think in an approachable way. That, translated, means that I think that I would have a chance with her, and she's not out of my league. I must meet her. I don't think that we want the same things. I can't see her wanting to move to another side of the world, and settle down in rural Ontario. But she does meet my criteria of a beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman. Maybe she will be the one. Or the one of many ones. If you know what I mean. I've had a revelation, and that is I am quite certain what I want in my life. I want to return to Chatham-Kent and be a school teacher. I know, not very dramatic, but I have realized that I long for that sense of community that I've abandoned. I don't think I could live in Highgate, but Chatham seems to me to be bearable. I like teaching. I think that it is a great opportunity to teach children things like intergrity, and to be passionate about things. I just had a great class, with some very intelligent children, and I think I got them thinking about their world, and maybe I broadened it a little. That's what's great about teaching. This plan would take a couple of years to come to fruition, but I think that it is manageable. Must tell Sumin about this, but it will devastate her as I haven't been forthcoming about my feelings for her.
And in other news, Dan has left Korea, and his replacement left shortly thereafter, leaving us all in the lurch. I have 43 classes a week I have to teach. To give those of you an idea of what this means, the typical university professor might have to teach 16 classes a week, and I'm sure doesn't have to deal with tantrums, and kids wetting themselves. But it means more money for the months, and the apartment to myself, which is great. I love living by myself. Just me and I can shit with abandon. (I mean, I can be as loud as I want to, without fear of offending anyone.) Just three more months of this to go, and then, I'm off to other far and distant lands.

A Bla, bla kind of week. Makes me wonder what I'm doing here. Specifically in Korea, but generally on earth. My life seems to be rudderless. I'm sometimes amazed at the people who can be content with the wife, the kids, the two car garage. I guess I could have been content with that, but the person with whom I wanted that, didn't want it. Now she hates me, thinks of me as some kind of monster. Which is an interesting pyscology. She hates me because I hate her, because she broke my heart. I want to move on, but I'm stuck in a rut. I need to have grandiose ideas, or there must be some higher purpose to my life, if contentment eludes me. I realized something lately, that while I haven't suffered, I have not had a happy life. With Pili was the only time in my life that I could say that I was happy. I'm not unhappy now, but I'm not happy either. I think maybe contentment will come to me. But I have been looking for it, for nearly ten years. "I age, and half the mortal world ages with me."

Pili freaked out as only she can do when I told her that maybe I wasn't the cause of her unhappiness, and that until she learns to be happy with herself, she will always be unhappy. I responded with an e-mail that will probably freak her out even more. C'est la vie. I'm not going to grovel to anyone, especially her. The good thing about the break-up is that it taught me how important it is to be honest with myself, and the people that I really care about. I met Sumin this morning and listened to the hockey game on the internet radio. Stupid Brad Richards. I think I have been pretty unfair to Sumin. I sometimes want to sabotage my own happiness. She's nothing like me, and that's good, because why do I want to date a clone? She is sweet and kind and a good person. She won't lie to me and disappoint me. She is a person worthy of me. Mom, if you are reading this...sorry that I'm writing this instead of an e-mail to you. Let me know how you are doing. Josh, if you are reading this...write and let me know what's up.

Got the fillings done. Met Sumin this morning for lunch. She's moving in July. She's said that she still wants to be girlfriend and boyfriend. That's the kind of promise only the very young, or very much in love make. I hope that it's only that's she's very young. We've only been going out for two weeks and she wants to wait for me for six months. It seems a bit crazy to me, but people have done crazier things.

I melt Sumin on the weekend, it was o.k., but wasn't wonderful. Her night club boss found out about me and we can't see each other at night anymore, at least without chaperones. Which is crazy, because it's not like we ever do anything more risque than kissing anyway. Although she's very nice, and sweet. I feel that she lacks passion. She's never mad about anything, really excited about anything. I kiss her, and it's like kissing a tree. A very nice tree mind you, but a tree none-the-less. Maybe I just wanted to prove to myself that I could attract someone after Pili. And what with recent things going on at work, I really don't feel like staying at this job for another couple of months. I think the most responsible thing (both in terms of Sumin, and financially) to do is to stick with my original plan and visit Canada in September, than travel around Europe in October and do my Celta and return to Korea in Daegu (maybe) in December. Tomorrow two more fillings. Should be fun. I am rewarded by a two day holiday.

The weekend has finally arrived and not a moment too soon. I'm pretty fed up with my boss right now. She gave us the suggestion of reading books in our classes, stories like Sleeping Beauty. Because I do a ton of review, which is horrible, I think and unneccessary and pointless because the tests don't matter anyway, I sometimes do wordsearches in my class. Another teacher does different puzzles. But my boss found some of his puzzles and wrote this...'Dear Lazy Teacher, do not do these puzzles in class, it seems that you do not prepare your classes.' The comment was not directed to me, but it still irks, because A, I do prepare my classes, and b, a foreign teacher teaches about ten more classes than a korean teacher does, plus I know the language, so I don't have to look in the dictionary to find difficult words, so I have alot less time to prep and alot less time required to prep. Bitch. Went to the dentist this morning, and I have decided that he is a sadist. And I still have two more fillings to go. It didn't really hurt until the end, when he hit a nerve just for spite. I'm meeting Sumin tonight for dinner, and a movie, and a walk in the park. Maybe she'll cure me of this depression.

So Pili wrote me a really sweet e-mail which just drove it home to me that yeah, I do still love her. That Sumin is really just a diversion. I may love her in a way, but I'm not sure exactly what I see in her, other than lust. I mean she wants a family, and I suspose that's what I want...Or is it? I spent so much of my time having absolutely everything figured out. Now I have none of it figured out. I've been writing alot of spiritual material lately. Maybe that's the direction God is steering me to. "Maybe we can start a religion or plan a murder." (It's from the movie the Doors. They are stoned out of their minds on peyote and Jim thinks of these ideas. Of course, it's much easier to plan a murder than start a religion.) It's like I'm the woman in the bonnet watching as my cowboy rides off into the sunset in search of the next adventure. My cowboy would be Pili, for the thicker of my readers. I am on the way to God, I grab the mane and ride my star-pony. The Korean Shamans believed the soul rode to heaven on a star pony. If Pili doesn't want to have me, than at least God will. I think my nomadic tendencies are being stirred up again. I think I'll go with my original plan to go back to Canada in the fall, and do the Celta in Budapest. That way I can meet Pili, and Kasia, and Judit. Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and get fillings put in. Then I have to go back again on Tuesday. Oh well.

So I did something somewhat stupid and told Pili that this blog existed. She told me that she read a couple of lines and decided that she didn't want to know my private thoughts. She baffles me sometimes. She wants to be in my life, and yet she doesn't care how I spent the past three months of my life. I mean, tell my thoughts to random dogs on the street, how am I not supposed to tell someone who wants to be my friend? I re-read the entries that are visible to everyone, and I couldn't find anything offensive in the first page. Maybe my theory why Pili didn't respond to the Sumin news. I was probably wrong, but I don't see why my mistaken theories to explain her behaviour should bother her. I think she has residual feelings of guilt, and doesn't want me constantly reminding her how much she hurt me. Which I can understand, but we did live together for four years. Or maybe she doesn't want me to judge her current situation. I have no doubt that she's found someone, and she is probably quite happy with him. I don't begrudge her that. (Maybe a little...) I just don't want her to put some other unsuspecting victim through her pyscology. Maybe if she bothered to read this blog, she would realize how normal people think and react in relationships. I'm starting to think that she is not quite right in the head. And another thing....She dumped me....she wanted to be my friend....and now she wants to put conditions on that friendship? She has no right to ask for conditions. She has no right to ask for anything. But she still cares....hmmm. So I don't think I'll be talking to her anytime soon.

Yesterday, Sumin came of age. I'm not sure if it was her birthday, or just the way the korean age works. (They follow both the lunar and the solar calender.) So, it's traditional for a woman to get a rose, a bottle of perfume and a kiss from her lover on that day. Sumin told me this, thinking that I would forget. But I rushed to the pc bang on a break from work yesterday and I bought the rose, the perfume and brought them to her. I don't think anyone's ever been that romantic with her. Her eyes showed how much she loved me, and we kissed. (She's getting better. Or maybe we are both getting better). I saw her today again and we had another illicit kiss at the pc bang. (Illicit because kissing in public is quite frowned upon.) I didn't want to leave her at all). But before that I went to the dentist. On the one hand, I felt odd because they didn't speak much English, and I didn't speak much Korean. But on the other hand, I felt good, because I always feel a little guilty whenever I go to the dentist. "You have three cavities, you naughty boy!" It turns out that I do have three cavities and I have to go to get them filled on Saturday. But the important theme of today's blog entry is that I didn't remember how much I hate going to the dentist (it's been about nine years since I last went), until about five minutes into the cleaning. I felt like crying. I didn't though. Instead I punched the dentist. I didn't really, but I think my audience requires more drama. Stay tuned for tomorrow, when your hero foils an international sting smuggling ring.

So Sumin and I went out after she finished work last night at 4:30 in the morning. We had some dongasu at this restaurant that reminded me of my mother. There were alot of big teddy bears, so that might have had something to do with it. We then went to Ulsan Grand Park, to walk around. It was a nice morning with a lot of birds singing, and a lot of worms. Sumin was disgusted by the worms which was cute. Then we saw a snail, which she thought was cute, which I don't understand. Then we went to a dvd bang, and held hands, and kissed. No french kissing, but I think Sumin was learning, all about it, and will learn quickly.

Teacher's day was today. I got a swiss roll cake, two pairs of socks, and some towels. I don't think it's any measure of how much my students like me. I think it's just some parents give gifts to the Hagwan teachers, and others do not. I think most of them give gifts to the school teachers. In fact, there is a big system of bribery of teachers here, especially in the younger grades. If you want your child to do well, you have to give the teacher money. Which sucks, because in primary school later on they have different levels, (like excellent, good, fair, average, poor) and if your kid gets stuck in the poor level it can mark them for life. But it might not have anything to do with academics, it just may mean that the parents didn't bribe the teachers enough. I'm going to meet Sumin tonight after work. I'm really looking forward to it, because I might get to hold her hand. I know, I'm back in primary school. But this is Korea, and that's how it works. It's kind of innocent in a way. I like that.

Tomorrow is teacher's day here in Korea. Which means the kids give teachers gifts. I've gotten a couple already. Generally, the gifts come from children who are pretty nice. Although one little monster gave me something. It was nice. I might get more tomorrow, on the actual day. I would like to see Sumin. I'll see her tomorrow, but I just want to hang out. You know? I think Pili is going out with a Polish guy. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. She was so incredibly jealous of Kasia, with whom I didn't really have a relationship, just a couple of beautiful weeks. Now she's shagging a Polish guy. I shouldn't really compare the two of us. I'm not going to come out on the happy end of the equation if I do that. I mean, I like my life, but if I'm constantly hung up on Pili, I'm not going to move on. I still love her though. It's pretty obvious. But I think my heart is big enough to love someone else more worthy. I wanted to share the story of 'balgen' mask. Red Mask. My students have been talking about this story for a couple of weeks. Apparently, there was a woman, who went to Japan to get plastic surgery. Something went wrong, and she ended up a freak. She asked her boyfriend if she looked pretty, and he said no. So for revenge she kills this other woman. Apparently this happened in Ulsan.

So Kasia is happy for me, and Judit is too. Kasia was genuininely curious which was touching. Sometimes, I forget that I have such great friends. I've known Kasia since I was 16, so about ten years. She was wondering what Sumin was like, what her ambitions were, and she mentioned her theory that maybe I wanted something completely different from Pili. She was right. Judit was talking about how her life is sad because she feels like she is being used as a sex object by a bunch of different men. And that she now realizes that she needs love after having lost it. I think I'm going to spread my philosophy that the idea of romantic, greater than life love is dangerous. It complicates things. You don't need anything complicated in your life, you just need a good person to share your life wife. That person might not be the sexiest, or the wittiest, or the richest, but the person who can care for you, and allow you to really care for them. Pearl Jam is such a great band. All of their music is available to listen to online. They don't care, and I think they are very musically talented. Anyway, that was my plug.

I've informed most of my friends and family that I'm going out with Sumin. They seem to be collectively underwhelmed. They all have different reasons for that, but someone could have said, that's great that you're happy. Josh is peeved at me because I gave him some advice. He always wants it, and then doesn't want it. Oh well. My mom is probably worried that I'll stay in Korea forever. I might not stay in Korea forever, but there's no way I'm ever living in the greater Highgate area. Judit isn't responding probably because she had this ideal of me as a 'rescuer' taking her out of her problems. Kasia isn't responding because she never does anyway. Pili is probably peeved that I have found someone that I like so soon after she dumped me. I think that she shouldn't have dumped me in the first place if the fact that I've moved on in my life is such a big deal for her. She is a great person, Sumin is I mean. The fact that no one is excited for me, is turning me into a petulant child. So somebody out there say that you're happy for me, damn it!